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Parenting: When You Don't Like Your Child's FriendsBy: Rachel Goodchild
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It's finally happened. Your child has brought home the friend from Hades, and you're not sure how to cope. As a parent, you've always known this day would come eventually, but now you have to figure out how to cope.
Before you make any rash decisions or sudden movements, however, stop and assess the situation. Your child, and your dignity, will thank you. After all, you want to take the time to make a good decision, instead of jumping to conclusions based on rumors or first impressions.
First, ask yourself what you don't like about your child's new friend. Are they whiny? Belligerent? Do they have tattoos, piercings, and a strange hairdo? Take the time to figure out if your dislike is founded, or if it is simply a matter of prejudice. Is it based solely on their apperance, or do they have character traits or values that you dislike? Are you worried about them influencing your child, or do you just not like their mannerisms?
Look at this as a fact finding expedition - be honest with yourself about why you don't like this person. If necessary, discuss it with your partner or another objective party. They may not see the situation the same way that you do.
Next, decide if it's a deal breaker. Is the new best friend a member of a hate group or professing other values that go against your family's? If so, you may want to take time to sit down and talk to your child about why you have issues with them interacting with them.
While you need to allow your child the option of choice, you also need to ensure your own personal boundaries are not compromised. Talk to your child about what they find appealing about that friend. Place behaviour linked consequences around thier new friendship (spend time with them, but if you do anything against the law, or I feel you are going to harm someone, I reserve the right to remove you from places hwere you may be interacting with your friend.)
However, if it's more along the lines of "Oh my goodness, I can't stand her squeaky voice", you may just have to learn to adjust. Rationally assess the situation, and decide if you feel that your child is at risk. If so, take action. If not, you may have to tolerate their new friend a little longer. Try to treat your child they same way you would like to be treated.
Take the time to get to know your children's friends. Whenever possible, invite them to your home (yes, even if you can't stand them). After all, it's better to have them gathering under your watchful eye than running around getting into trouble.
If possible, get to know their parents, as well. Introduce yourself to their parents or guardians before allowing your child to visit their home - this is an excellent way to prevent them leaving your child without supervision.
Be openminded about your child's friends on the small issues. However, keep in mind that there are some times that you should always intervene. If the crowd your teen is hanging around with is into sex, drugs, or alcohol, you may want to use your veto power. If there's an odd power dynamic and you feel your child is being manipulated, you may want to take action.
With bullying and cyberbullying on the rise, be sure to keep a close eye on your child's behavior. Be sure her friends really are acting as such, and if they aren't, alert school officials or the authorities. Don't let your teen be manipulated into going against his or her better judgement.
Lastly, keep in mind that you get to make the rules in your own home. If you simply don't feel comfortable with one of your child's friends, trust your instincts. Set clear guidelines and limits, with consequences if your child disobeys. You have a gut feeling for a reason - use it as necessary!
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